essays

Not All Republicans

I confess: I get most of my news from Facebook or my phone’s News app. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Millennials, amirite? With elections looming, I wanted to gain a more well-rounded idea of what’s on the ballot, and somehow I fell into a deep k-hole of far-right news and blogs. What started out as an innocent curiosity quickly became a car crash that you can’t peel your eyes off of, eventually making you crash your own car.

In a world infiltrated by Mark Zuckerberg’s algorithm, I rarely get a taste of what the opposing side has to say. And since most of the people that subscribe to my blog are in my age group, I’m guessing this is a common problem. But don’t worry, dear reader, I’ve prepared for you a list of the most preposterous headlines and their highlights below:

  1. Students call for NYU to cancel Milo Yiannopoulos lecture
    Source: Aljazeera

    Milo Yiannopoulos is a far-right writer and thought-provoker, who was invited to NYU to discuss identity politics of Halloween costumes. This broseph really couldn’t figure out why students at a liberal art college don’t want to hear some white dude dismiss blackface as “the left’s censorious policing of what was once a holiday for harmless play!?!?!” Bro… lol… I’m actually pleasantly surprised that I didn’t read the testimony of Milo’s one black friend, telling him that blackface isn’t really a big deal.

  2. Candace Owens Announces BLEXIT: The Black Exit from the Democratic Party
    Source: Breitbart

    Kanye, you really threw some gas into these flames, my guy. Ms. Owens states in her video launching the Black Exit from the Democratic Party (aptly named after Brexit), “The most unsafe place for an African-American child in America is not on the streets or in the presence of a white cop, but in a mother’s womb.” LOLOLOLOLOL what is happening?!?! She then says that Kanye helped her design the clothing line, which Kanye vehemently denied. There’s also a video of a bunch of black folks chanting, “BUILD THAT WALL!” which is probably the most painful part.

    I want to say something like: This is a true example that when marginalized people use their oppressor’s rhetoric to uplift their community, they are simply recycling hatred so that they can then oppress other people. BUT SHE USES THE SAME ARGUMENT TO URGE BLACK PEOPLE TO LEAVE THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY! You guys… I thought Candace Owens was a fictional character on Dear White People… in all seriousness, who has heard about her!?

  3. Mom gets in trouble for being a sex offender even though she wasn’t committed of a sex crime
    Source: Reason

    First of all… this headline… what in the fuck?! The highlight of this story is that a woman who abducted a baby from the hospital days after a miscarriage is trying to get off the sex offender list, because after all, all she did was steal a goddamn baby from the hospital!!! The far-right will forgive white women for ANYTHING. Except Hillary Clinton for asking her assistant to print articles for her on her private server, of course.

  4. False rape allegations against Brett Kavanaugh prove that due process matters
    Source: Reason

    The headline really says it all, but the one line that caught my eye was, “It does survivors of sexual assault no good to take charlatans seriously or to pretend liars don’t exist.” He actually used the word CHARLATAN! *files under research content for The Handmaid’s Tale writer’s room* So I revise my earlier statement: The far-right will forgive white women for ANYTHING, except Hillary Clinton and charlatans who clearly have it out for Brett Kavanaugh.

  5. Donald Trump is women’s rights champion in transgender dispute, say pro-woman activists
    Source: Breitbart

    And now, live from the 52% of white women that voted for Trump… I present one correct statement, albeit with wrong connotation, “Transgender activists are ‘trying to erase the male and female [sexes] and turn [society] into a mishmash of 50-93 [gender] whatevers…” The article continues to quote some doctor saying, “Their political goal is difficult to appreciate because, ‘it is hard to think about things that are really crazy.’”
    Yeah, hi, we are indeed trying to get the masses to recognize more than two genders because people * are * that complex, Susan. Yes, the writer’s name is really Susan. Lol, jk, the writer’s name is Neil because almost all of the people that write for these sites are men. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

  6. Christian Group Clarifies that Trump is not Jesus
    Source: Reason

    This one really takes the cake. And * of course * this photo was taken in St. Louis County:

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If you haven’t caught on by now, these are very very real headlines but I wouldn’t dare generate more click traffic for the far-right, so . you have been graciously linked to my new project 2 GIRLS 1 COVEN, a watering hole for pop culture fiends, smart stoner girls and chicken nugget connoisseurs; founded by me and my dear roommate Allison. Give us the goddamn click traffic. Sign up for our newsletter to get Gossip Girl conspiracy theories in your inbox.)

I hope this post encourages y’all to vote today, because I’m definitely fired up.