essays

How to Spot a Fuckboy in Sheep's Clothing

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Y’all really thought that because my last post was mushy as hell, that I’m different now? No, my loves, I’m still me. Fighting the good fight for women who just want to do whatever the fuck they want with their bodies. Telling y’all the ugly truths about hetero men.

Ever since I started putting out this energy where I’m looking for a new type of love, I’ve been accepting less inquiries from people who are obviously fuckboys. If y’all don’t know the signs yet, here are a few:

  • “I’m 7’5” but idk why that matters”

  • “cool, calm, collective.” (It’s cool, calm, collectED - for those of you that don’t know)

  • The kids in my profile are my nephews, I don’t have kids, never been married.”

  • “Idk why my age says I’m 79, I’m really only 22, Tinder won’t let me change it.”

  • “Why is it such a big deal, we’ve been talking? I can just come thru to your house right? We don’t need to meet at a bar or anything.”

But… just when you thought you have rid yourself of that energy, a new species pops up. they belong in the same genetic group as the Bernie Bro — a dude (usually straight and white) who was lit af about supporting Bernie Sanders’ liberal platform, but continued to act sexist and racist on the low, dodging all responsibility. The Fuckboy in Sheep’s Clothing is a really specific person because they really are looking for love but are unwilling to do the work to be an intimate, supportive, understanding, truly equal partner.

A Fuckboy in Sheep’s Clothing (FISC) only wants an idea of a partner, but doesn’t actually want to take the time to get to know you or become truly intimate with you. They will take all of your emotional labor for granted, expect you to give them unlimited chances when they do you dirty, and genuinely make you feel like shit for rejecting them. Ladies, I’m really trying to save y’all the time and energy because we got paper to make. There are not that many dudes reading this, but dudes, do better. Here’s how to spot these toads:

He slides into your dms because he saw your social on a dating site and “couldn’t leave being with you up to the Bumble algorithm”

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This is Fuckboy speak for, “I just can’t handle the fact that you swiped left so I’m going to find other ways to be all up in your business.” No judgment if you’ve fallen for this, because obvi I have too.

He thinks he’s “different” from other dudes, but still pressures you into doing 300 things you don’t want to fucking do.

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I was dating this guy for a minute who really did seem different. We come from a similar cultural background and our hustles were on a similar track. He seemed great, so after a few dates, I invited him to my house with very clear boundaries that I didn’t want to have sex. He offered to give me a massage, so I was like, ok, lit. I tried laying down on my couch so he could rub my shoulders, but when that wasn’t working out, I decided to lay on my bed. Here I am, laying on my bed fully clothed, felling fine with the whole thing because I had set my boundaries from the start, and all the sudden he comes in my room butt ass naked. I’m out here trying to find where the fuck he got these signals from… Fucking where!?
In the beginning, this dude also told me that he thinks he’s “different” from all the rest. Which is when I realized that every dude is trying to market himself as “different,” he is actually just deeply unaware that he is the fucking problem.

He calls or FaceTimes you at inappropriate times, i.e., during regular work hours.

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Just fucking no. One time could be an honest mistake, but when he starts trying to FaceTime . you or call you before asking if you’re free then he does not respect your time!!! Good fucking bye my guy, I have stacks to make.

He makes your first date too romantic.

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He offers to come to your neighborhood. He buys you flowers and/or chocolates. He offers to send you Vietnamese food via Grubhub when he cancels your date. He tries to send you a Lyft every time you’re supposed to meet up. Mind you, this is all fine and good if you’ve been talking for a while and you trust him. But on the first date, a FISC will use these romantic gestures into pressuring you into having sex with them before you’re ready or giving them unlimited chances when they fuck up. All the dudes who are wanting to take you to some fancy French restaurant probably eat Burger King all day, so do your due diligence.

He has a very specific idea of what a relationship looks like, which he has built in his brain using The Girlfriend Placeholder.

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Look, y’all, I know it’s hard out here, but being alone & craving love does not mean you get to impose your idea of a relationship onto someone. A symbiotic relationship is built together. If he is out here saying things that are too good to be true, e.g.,

  • “I eat so pussy so much, I become it.”

  • “Let me send you some food via GrubHub in a blizzard even though we literally have not gone on one date.”

  • “I’’ve always wanted to travel with someone that I’m intimate with. We should go on an all-inclusive beach vacation, on me.”

  • “All I want to do is rub your feet and talk about your day.”

  • “I want to spoil you and buy you a lot of shit.”

… you’re being played… because this person knows what to say in order to bait you into believing you want the same things. But in reality, he is not willing to do the work to get to know you, listen to you and be there for you. He’s just trying to make you fit into his idea of a Girlfriend. Ugh. Bye. Next.

Two examples come to mind of women who have tailored their version of romance to accommodate someone who they really cared about.

One of my best friends was dating a FISC who loved F.Scott Fitzgerald. She bought him a set of leather-bound F.Scott Fitzgerald books from Etsy and wanted to give them to him in batches. She texted me being like, “Is this too nice?” And of course it was!!! My friend is such a thoughtful angel and this dude ended up being the worst. But the takeaway here is this: She didn’t randomly buy him flowers or chocolate. She didn’t offer to take him to some uppity restaurant. She actually took the time to buy a thoughtful gift that would let him know that she’s been listening and taking notes.

In a more dramatic light, Charlotte from Sex and the city converted a whole new religion to be with Harry Goldenblatt!!! Women are so fucking down, it boggles my mind how dudes literally always take for granted our openness and vulnerability and call us “crazy.”

He pretends to listen to your feelings, but when you tell him to do better, he gets defensive & shifts the blame back on you.

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When I confronted the naked masseuse and told him that he made me feel extremely uncomfortable he kept trying to say, “I feel the same way, I was totally humiliated.” Being humiliated is not the fucking same as being violated and having your boundaries completely ignored. It’s 2018, like why are dudes still out here thinking that the fear of being embarrassed on a date is the same as the fear of being raped or killed!?


Yes, I’m still bitter as fuck, but I’m out here trying to drop some pearls of wisdom. Make straight men pay reparations for damages caused under patriarchy. Make them pay with their wasted time, wasted money, and bruised egos. Even Drake said, “You gotta be nice for what!?”

Alternatively, if you’re lucky enough to be gay, just date fellow womxn!!! Wow, what a new world I’m living in, you guys.

Mazel Tov & Happy Sunday <3

beatriz kaye